I Never Thought My Father Loved Me

They were words I heard him say so few times that it felt like I had never heard them.

I love you.  

To be the child with BPD, you seek validation and want your emotions to be affirmed. When my father told me in so many words he didn't believe I had BPD and that it was regular life depression, it hurt me down to my core. 

I had to understand that mental illness was a touchy subject for him. He couldn't look inward at his own mental condition and my ailment was not something physical that you can see with the naked eye. 

When I was at my plush job, he told me he was proud of my progress even though I had a rocky past with going to the mental institutions and self-harming. But after I quit that job, I lost his attention and he had nothing else to be proud of me about. He viewed success as money and promotions. I hated corporations and chasing wealth because it seemed to rule so many people's lives. 

I had to let him know that he should be proud I was able to keep myself alive and looking forward. I wasn't giving up on my dream of being successful, it was just another kind of success; the kind of success that leaves you happy at the end of the day but not with the huge paycheck. 

I don't think he truly understands what I'm talking about but at the end of the day. I love him and I'm happy I have a father to talk to. I told him I loved him even though he didn't understand my emotional instability and he told me he loved me too. 

Maybe that's enough. I can use what I've learned to help other people but I can't change anyone. Maybe in time, like he accepted me being gay, he will accept my borderline personality disorder. I don't like to think about the future as it gives me anxiety but I know I must wait for that day and if I work hard enough, if I'm successful, it won't be too far off when he can be proud of me for helping others that suffer from mental illness. 

Check out episode 9 where I talk more about validation. 

Mad love, 

AJ